Feeling Sorry For Sirius
by Kali ma1
Summary: A fluffly fic of letters, love and porridge. (It would probably help to read the The Last Sabi before this)


Disclaimer: I don't own what J.K. does.

Feeling sorry for Sirius.

This fic is set during the Last Sabi, before Lia and Sirius get together, during a set of holidays in which Lia goes back to Australia on her own.

Dear Lia,

Day one of the holidays and I already miss you. Why'd you have to go back to Australia for the hols anyway? Australia is like the armpit of the world! (And let's face it, with all that unnecessary heat you guys get, it must smell kind of bad. Being an armpit and all.)

No, I don't mean that. I just miss you. And I think Snape is following me. Every time I leave the common room he's there, smirking at me. Peter said he has a crush on me, which is really, really, really, really disturbing.

But how is smelly old Australia? It must be great seeing all your old friends again. Just don't get too happy, because we do want you to come back.

Remus said I should give you half of a riddle and wait until you come back before I give you the answer. That way, the curiosity will overcome you and you'll be back here faster than we can say, 'Oh my God! What are you eating!?'

It's like when you're trying to ignore someone, and they say, 'Knock knock' and you just have to say, 'Who's there?' and then you're not ignoring them anymore. So anyway, here's the riddle, courtesy of Sirius: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?

Oh, now he won't tell me the answer either. Hurry back!

Love always,

Lily

P.S. What's the first thing that pops into your head when I say teeth?

Dear Lily,

Here, a foolproof remedy to any Snape problems you may be having: stay out in the sun as much as you can, 'cause I'm pretty sure if Snape dared to show his face outdoors his greasy, greasy, greasy, greasy hair would dry and crumble. Or maybe burn. You could have a barbecue on his hair. Oh, ew! That's disgusting! But I won't scratch it out 'cause I'm sure Sirius and co. would enjoy it.

Speaking of which, how are our favorite troublemakers? Making life difficult for the Slytherins, I hope?

Tahnee was just telling me about how they to turn dead frogs into tadpoles in Transfiguration and Clar had everyone trying to revive the dead frogs with heart massage, and Professor Matthews said, "Look, I don't mean to disappoint you guys, but these frogs have been dead for a long time," but then Kiren McKay started making frog noises in the back of his throat, like, 'riddup! riddup!' and going, "I've done it sir! He's alive, he's alive!" and everyone's going, "It's a miracle" and doing ritual dances to the gods and trying even harder to revive their own frogs and then Gareth Dolts starts giving mouth to mouth to his frog and Lizzy Mickles throws up on Celia and Clar demands they call in medi-wizards to revive the rest of the frogs and well, Clar and Tahnee say hi.

So anyway, you'd better write back! Unless you're having too much fun, which you probably are. You're probably gazing at James and his moonta right now and getting drool over this letter and then all my words will be wasted. 

See you soon!

Lia.

P.S. You didn't need half a riddle to make me come back. Actually, Tahnee knows the answer, but she won't tell me. I swear, she is the female version of Sirius.

P.P.S. The first thing that pops into my mind when you say teeth? Toothpaste.

Dear Lia,

I tried your idea of getting rid of Snape. Would you believe it worked! I'm writing this at breakfast, and Sirius is just poking at his food and his egg yolks have make his toast go soggy and now it's all just a pile of ooze. James, Remus and Peter say he's suffering from withdrawal from you. (And I do not gaze at James' behind, thank you very much!)

Do you know a Ravenclaw named Rachel? She asked me when you'd be coming back and I said at the end of the holidays and she sighed and looked like you were being very irresponsible or something. I suppose that's just another one of your secrets you like to keep? 

Sirius just asked if I was writing to you, and I said yes. He says hello. Honestly, those are the first words he's spoken all day. We've been awake for three hours and those were his first words!

It's getting serious (hehe, I made a pun), hurry back.

Love always,

Lily.

P.S. What's the first thing that pops into your head when I say black?

Dear Mr. Black, 

You need to eat your breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day. And you need to talk. It keeps your lungs clean. We think.

Yours truly,

The Association of Hints for Healthier Living.

Dear Lia Association of Hints for Healthier Living,

I'll keep that in mind.

Mr. Black.

Dear Lily,

Glad to see my advice worked. I hope you think of me while you enjoy Snape-free holidays.

It's raining here. (Yes, it does rain!) Tahnee rang me up (do you know what a telephone is? Oh, yeah, you're a Muggle-born) and said we should go down to the beach and build sand castles in the rain. I said no.

If you see Rachel the Ravenclaw again tell her not to worry, I'm still studying. 

Yesterday, I asked everyone I knew if they knew the answer to Sirius' riddle, but everyone who did had been told by Tahnee not to say a word and let's face it, Tahnee is much scarier than I.

Anyway, I'm off now. I think I might go build sandcastles after all.

Love,

Lia.

P.S. What pops into my head when I think of 'black?' Sirius.

P.P.S. Your remark about a possible romance between Sirius and I did not go unnoticed, I have just chosen to ignore it.

Dear Lia,

It's raining here, too. Therefore there is no sun. Which means Snape can follow me without danger of barbecue. So much for your foolproof remedy. But sandcastles in the rain? That actually sounds like fun. 

Days here are blending together quite nicely. After all, it's not a holiday until you can't remember which day of the week it is.

Though if I did want to know the day of the week, all I'd have to do would be ask Sirius. He knows what day it is. He's counting them down until you get back.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to make this letter appallingly short, because as you know, evil Professor McGonagall actually gave us holiday homework. Tell me, Lia, why do we need to write an essay on reasons for the laws involved with becoming an Animagus? Why? Anyway, James and Sirius and Remus and Peter seem quite brainy on the subject, so I'm going to go and do it with them. 

Love,

Lily

P.S. The first thing you think of is Sirius? Doesn't that tell you something?

Reasons for the Laws Involved With Becoming an Animagus.

By Sirius Black

The laws involved with becoming an Animagus are all rather stupid very important, because if people become Animagi without the Ministry knowing they could break the law and wouldn't be able to be traced. ministry doesn't care if someone has a really good reason, It is against the law for anyone under 18 to become an Animagus, but if I could be one I would hope to become a dragon. Or a hippogriff. Then I could fly to Australia and dog. A black one. I wonder if Lia likes bla

I. Give. Up.

Dear Lily,

Maybe the same thing happens when Snape stands under candles for too long? You could just carry a sunshine charm up your sleeve all day...

I'd forgotten about that essay. I'll get Sarah-Jane to help me with it. Tomorrow.

Tahnee and Clar are charming their nails so that each one is a different color. It doesn't look all that bad, though Tahnee's clash with her newly multicolored hair.

And for the last time, I do not like Sirius! Well, I do in a friend way, but that's it! Have you got that Lily Potter- I mean, Evans?

Today, Aunt Kath is driving me, Celia and Tahnee to Perth where we plan to enjoy some serious shopping, Muggle style. I will, of course, be buying gifts for all. (Do you think Sirius would appreciate a jar of vegemite?)

Has Sirius told you the answer to his joke yet? It's driving me mad! Yesterday, at least I think it was yesterday, could have been the day before, I went to the Muggle town library and read every joke book they had, but I couldn't find any involving elephants or kangaroos. 

Please, try to find it out for me. I can't take not knowing any longer!

Love, 

Lia

To whom it may concern

Dear

To Tahnee

To Lia's friend,

Sirius tells me you are Lia's best friend. My name is Remus Lupin, I am also a friend of Lia's. I am writing to ask a favor of you. Please, please, please convince Lia to come back to Hogwarts early. Without her, Sirius is being very un-fun. He has not come up with one prank idea all holidays, not one! All he does is sit by the fire with a dopey mopey look on his face. We really can not stand it. Please, SEND HER HOME!

Your sincerely,

Remus Lupin

G'day Remus Lupin,

Has anyone ever told you that you write like a pom? Anyway, I know how you're feeling; Lia is acting the same way. Sure, she whacks on a happy face and her letters to Emu Lily are all sunshine and stars, but obviously, she is missing Wombat Sirius. She gets this look in her eye like she's away with the fairies and nothing short of an aqua charm snaps her out of it. But Reggie, you have to be fair, you get Her Royal Highness all year and we get her for the odd holiday. I think you should send Wombat Sirius here.

Luv and Sunshine,

Tahnee

P.S. This is Lia's home. She has lived here since she was knee-high to a grasshopper. So there.

Tahnee,

No, you cannot have Sirius. And quit hogging Lia.

Remus

P.S. Lia was born here, and my name is Remus, not Reggie.

Reggie,

I am not hogging Lee-Lee Lia, you are. And I see no reason why Wombat Sirius can't come here; he can't be much fun when he's aggro anyway.

Tahnee

Tahnee,

MY NAME IS R-E-M-U-S! And Sirius would be fun, if you'd give us back Lia.

Remus

Reggie,

You can spell your name. Clever boy. Give you back Lia? You stole her from us in the first place! If she hadn't gone to your stupid Pommy school, she'd still be sitting next to me in Potions laughing herself sick while Professor Hemsly makes an alf out of himself. And quit hogging Sirius!

Tahnee

A Howler:

MY NAME IS REMUS!

Reggie,

Lia was with me when we got your short and really not all that sweet Howler, which led to all sorts of questions which I had no choice but to answer and she says she is not a 'thing' and cannot be fought over. Shame on you. But really, blind Freddie could see that sending Sirius here is the best solution to this problem.

Tahnee

Tahnee,

You are very annoying. I hate you. And you are not getting Sirius.

Remus

Reggie,

You are also very annoying. But I don't hate you; I only hate people who like porridge. So if you were like stuck in the Swiss Alps with no wand or clothes (well, ok, a pair of boxers. Or briefs. Or whatever you wear) and you hadn't eaten for a year and you saw a bowl of hot porridge, would you eat it? If yes, then I do hate you. And you're not getting Lia.

Tahnee

Tahnee,

I love porridge. Porridge is all I eat.

Remus

Reggie,

Ok, then I hate you.

Tahnee

Tahnee,

Fine.

Remus

Remus,

Fine.

Tahnee

Dear Lia,

Are you aware of the correspondence between Tahnee and Remus? I read one of Remus' letters to her over his shoulder. It was rather short and nasty. And I'm pretty sure he sent her a Howler. So he's been in a foul mood and Sirius is still in a foul mood. I don't know where Remus was last night, but he came back this morning and tired and grumpy. At breakfast Sirius wasn't eating his porridge (he was poking it) and Remus said, 'For crying out loud, Sirius, eat your damn porridge!' and Sirius said, 'You eat it!' and Remus said, 'I hate porridge and I'm not moping because my girlfriend's left the country just to get away from me!' Then Sirius said, 'She's not my girlfriend. And she didn't leave just to get away from me!' And Remus didn't say anything to that, because he got an owl, which I think was from Tahnee, and he scowled. But I think he could have been trying not to laugh.

Honestly, Lia, hurry up and come back!

Love,

Lily

P.S. Vegemite? Sirius'd kill you!

Dear Lily,

Yeah, I know 'bout Remus and Tahnee. And Remus did send her a Howler. It made no sense to me, but eventually Tahnee told me that they were arguing over whether I should come back to Hogwarts or Sirius should come here, because apparently, without each other, we are no fun. Honestly. (And don't get mad at Remus for being mean to Tahnee; she's not exactly a perfect little angel herself.) Oddly enough, Tahnee read in your letter that Remus hated porridge an she went berko. I worry about that girl sometimes.

Anyway, only a few days before the holidays end and I'll be back at Hogwarts and there'll be no need for all this general badness.

Still, I'm not really looking forward to the end of the holidays. Sure, it'll be great to see you guys again, but I know I'll miss Tahnee and Clar and Sarah-Jane and even Celia. And I'll miss not feeling cold and I'll miss making sandcastles in the rain and... (But don't worry, I'm still coming back. I've got to find out the answer to Sirius' riddle!)

May your Moonta never drop off! 

Lia

P.S. I didn't get Sirius vegemite. I got him some glow-in-the-dark shoe laces and a cork screw hat. And Tahnee got him a little wombat teddy.

Reggie,

Liar. You said you loved porridge. I don't hate you anymore.

Tahnee

Tahnee,

Damn. And how did you find out I hated it? And would it be pointless to remind you that my name is REMUS!?

Remus

Reggie,

I'm physic. And Lia will be back with you in one day. Happy now?

Tahnee

Tahnee,

Delirious with joy.

Remus

Dear Lia,

Less than a day and you'll be back! I'm pretty sure Sirius is counting down the seconds 'til you return. Wait, why am I writing this? You'll be back before you get it...

It was the day before the school started again, and Lia stepped through the portrait hole with a fresh tan and bags of goodies.

Sirius was first to his feet. He leapt over a sleeping first year, plowed down a pair of gossiping sixth years and wrapped Lia in a bear hug. "You're back!"

James, Peter, Remus and Lily rolled their eyes knowingly, then ran over to welcome Lia back themselves.

Before doing anything else, Lia set about giving everybody gifts. She had everything from shoelaces to beanies. And for Remus, she had a packet of instant porridge from Tahnee.

Before they all retired to bed, Lia turned to Sirius. "I have to know, what do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?"

Sirius grinned. "Great big holes all over Australia."

Authors note: Thanks to Lone Astronomer for beta-reading. Oh, and if you don't know what some of the words mean, just drop me an e-mail and I'll let you know. 


End file.
